In my early days on the internet, back at The Indiana Academy and at Indiana University, I used to write.
I mean, really write. Not the sort of posting that I do on my weblog here, I mean deep meaningful writings about things that were happening in my life. Some were outrageous, some were self-righteous, some were deep, others just whimsical.
I remember writing when I was in the deep throes of major depression during my last semester at the Academy I remember writing sitting at a New Years Party in 1995 in Bloomington, Indiana watching my world change yet again during my lifetime. I remember writing about the tough times you find as a teenager when youre moving from being a child towards becoming an adult.
I remember reflecting on the death of my grandmother, on the Oklahoma City Bombing, on the first gulf war, on abortion, on civil rights, on the early mission of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, on pondering what to do with life.
Im not sure why I dont write like that anymore… Or why I havent taken the time to write on my blog the way that I used to write in those old clunky .plan files that were around with tools like finger that no one uses anymore.
Here, let me finger you 😉
Sometimes when I think about it, I can come up with reasons why I dont write like I used to.. Some is just time related.. I have a very time consuming job with a long commute (I chose it, not them), so often when I get home, I just want to vegetate and do things at home.. Its also knowing that many people from my employer read this weblog, and perhaps it would be better not to write the way that I used to write.
Then I ponder the simple fact that I am who I am writing is a reflection of that how I lead and my thoughts about leadership often spring from simple thoughts and self-reflections.. And in that vein I should write about what I choose and not feel fear or apprehension about doing so…
I guess Im torn on this…
I could have started my weblog anonymously as one of my friends does she writes on a domain thats registered in my name and nothing on her weblog identifies her as who she is.. And she writes some of the most heartfelt authentic things Ive ever seen on a weblog… But like Emile Zola said a long time ago, I am here to live my life out loud, and I refuse to do this… I am going to be who I am… Hiding isnt my strong suit…
Many of my writings from Indiana University are sitting on one of my machines here, I am going to dig them out and repost them.. Because I should.. And because they reflect truly who I am.. Or who I was.. I know Ive grown since then, but sometimes its hard to tell.
My writings from the academy are mostly lost to me.. I had a tape backup on one of those old reel to reel tape machines that VAX/VMS machines used.. And I left it at BSU when I left.. And that was more than twelve years ago now.. So its not coming back to me.. But I do remember some of what I wrote….
The Story of Nemen Wulawachtopin
A different WWW
Ponderings about Richard Bach
I died to become the person that I am today, was it worth it?
Arguments about academic and electronic freedom
For some of these, I remember what I wrote.. For others, I do not.. And those are lost forever, and for that Im eternally sad. It would be a treat to read the things I wrote thirteen years ago as a wide eyed sixteen year old living on the campus of Ball State University and remember those experiences.. But its not to be..
Im resolved to do a better job of taking the time to write meaningfully.. Kerris encouraged me to debate and argue more.. And I can certainly do that through my writings.. But often I just want to share, even if I tend to do it cryptically sometimes, the thoughts that are running through my head.. Or the things that I see and feel in my heart…
But more importantly, writing about the things I see, feel, experience, and think provides an outlet for me to connect with myself.. Its a chance to reflect on how Ive chosen to live my life, a chance to express the perceptions of events and people that I see..
I choose to write again. I hope you will help me hold myself to this.